mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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