i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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