Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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