we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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