My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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