If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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