so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
