I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
