his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize