i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
