It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
