You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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