He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize