I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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