He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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