Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
