6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
