bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
