The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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