I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
