Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
