the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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