My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
