Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
