Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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