Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
