you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
