i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
