Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
