tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
