hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
