btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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