My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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