never play flip cup with pint glasses
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize