You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
