Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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