Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
