worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
is wine microwaveable?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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