I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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