you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
did you just send me my own nude
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize