I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
