I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
