the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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