i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
