matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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