today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
