plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
