the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
