I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
