how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
