The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
