i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize