just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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