You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
