Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
