I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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