I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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