Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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